Blog #2
So - my hormones are still a huge giant mess. I spent two solid hours in the middle of the night balling my eyes out because I was having a hard time standing up that first night home from the hospital. Of course, it isn't helping that every chance I get to sleep, someone else wants or needs me for something. Be it via phone, visit, feeding, or whining... Crazy Horse is acting out a little but I think that's to be expected. He's just not sure what to make of all this yet. He's five and really thrilled with his brother, even if he is missing all the attention...
Blog #3
This second pregnancy was miserable and I was not looking forward to my repeat C-section. My first c/s was truly horrible but this one - Wow! Our only real problem was my vein issues... I'm having a hard time getting rid of the last bits of tape residue from my iv locks and my back hurts with a capital H but otherwise - everything has been great. I'm having no trouble with my staples. I'm moving around pretty well and I'm down to just the occasional motrin. Wolverine has been a part of my life in some form for months now but, seeing his face, hearing him cry, staring into those midnight eclipse eyes - beautiful. It's all more than I ever hoped for.
Blog #4
Crazy Horse has decided that I know nothing about babies. To some degree I'm pleased that he's not trying to get rid of Wolverine but I think, having gotten CrazyHorse through his infanthood, He should have SOME faith in me. I know it could be worse and I should simply be grateful but - jeeze! I'm not deaf, I can hear him crying. I am not blind - I can see when he's fussy. And the baby monitor is not CrazyHorse's personal communications system. Wolverine is his *brother* not his baby!! OK - done venting that.
I just had one of those days where I wish that CrazyHorse would understand that this is not the first time for me.
I still can't believe it's only been two weeks. That's all the older he is. That's all the distance there is between myself and surgery. I'm doing much better this time around. Of course, it helps that I wasn't allergic to the staples. Now - its the steristrips that are a pain. The adhesive pulls my skin and it stings like a misplaced bandaid that seems like it wants to come off but really is clinging stubbornly with superglue to my skin.
I'm stressed and tired of course - what new mom isn't? Overall though - we're doing pretty well.
~S
So - KidOne and KidTwo sounds much too Dr.Seuss... My oldest, I'll call Crazy Horse. He's five and just starting Kindergarten at the end of this month. I'm going to cry but at the same time, I'm thrilled for him. He's going to love school. My youngest, my newborn, I'll call him Wolverine. He's brand new and we have a lot to learn about each other.
~S
Post Partum Depression - My greatest fear - truly. Depression I’m used to - I’ve been dealing with it for years off and on. PPD is much scarier. I can’t imagine ever being so out of control that I could harm my kids. Because of my history, I am vigilant right now about my feelings and my emotions. I do have a touch of the blues right now - but it’s normal I think. My hormones are still completley crazy. I don’t know how long its going to take to balance out. I wish I did. I don’t even know for certain that this isn’t just my usual cycle. I think about this a lot - with all the horror stories I’ve heard - I just can’t imagine anyone letting it slip so far that any harm actually occurs.
Lots of things are bothering me right now. These aren’t necessarily things that don’t normally bother me but maybe it’s exaggerated now. I have a couple of people in my life who now seem to avoid me because I’m a nursing mom. Boobs are fine I guess when they’re attached to naked women in magazines or nearly naked women swinging from poles but put them in context - allow them to fulfill their intended purpose and suddenly its embarrasing?? Please! What a crock! So, I’m a bit upset about that if only because there are only so many people in my life - a very small handful and now I’m two short. It appears that the only people I actually talk to are online. No one to go shopping with - which is why I hate shopping. No one to kibitz on the phone with. No one to chat over coffee with.
And, if I talk to Rob about it - it seems that it would all be fixed if I just ‘made the effort’ which is also a crock but a crock of a different color and for a different night...
So - I use this space to vent some and I can keep track of everything this way...
~S
We arrived at the hospital at 5:30am... after a night I couldn't sleep through anyway. After some prepwork and all that good stuff, they stuck me with needles - my veins are too small it seems as it took several tries and two blown viens to get two good locks. This really sucked. After that - my husband was given his scrubs and he changed into them. I was taken into the OR with the anthesthesiologist to get my spinal... again NOT FUN. The first attempt did not work. The second attempt did not work. The third attempt - they didn't give me a spinal but an epidural... stupid tiny veins and stuff. This whole time - my nerves are crazy and insane so I am talking because that is what I do when I am nervous - I talk. How much a dork am I but that I talk about science fiction writers... debating Heinlein and Asimov and professing my love for Ender... Had I been any more nervous, I'd have been rambling about Spock. What a geek am I?? Fortunately, someone in the room was just as bad as I since this was not a one sided conversation.
So - finally I am sedated and the surgical blind is up and they allow my husband to come in - my nerves settled ALOT after that. It felt like my whole body was packed with gauze and they were putting more in. Little tugs, little pushes. pressure... and then - kidtwo cried. I was awake to hear his first little wail. I can't even begin to describe it. I missed it with Kidone - I was put completely under. I never really got over the guilt from that one. But this time - I got to be *THERE*...
I'll write more tomorrow. I only have so much time at the computer right now and while it'll get better - right now - I have to work in pieces...
~S
Well - we're home ;) I'll be posting the whole story tomorrow or the next day - Don't really have the energy to do it today ;)
But - we're home and safe and healthy.
~S
Last one... No more Doctors visits until time for the baby to get here...
According to the sonogram - he's measuring at full term now. roughly 9lbs - give or take - and this is still two weeks before his due dates.
My dad and his wife are in ... it's nice but... I can't get the nursery finished. The carpet was installed, the walls are as done as they're getting for now. My rocker is put back together and the tall dresser is in. The curtains got put up and the lamp plugged in but... with the airmattress int he nursery - I can't put together the crib, move the other dresser, or get kidone's room finished. But- I no loner have to chase kidone... that helps. ALOT. More than getting the nursery don.e
~S
I am also going to use this blog to document my weight progress. Maybe if I keep myself public - honest - and with PICTURES... I'll stand a better chance of actually acheiving my goals. I'll be taking pictures the day before I have KidTwo and the day after I have KidTwo - with weights - no measurements cause right now - they'd be hugely skewed... my bust line is not normally a 44/46... I swear. It's going to take a while to make my goals because I want to do it as healthily as I can which means only diet and excersize. Even with the diet I can only do so much as I will be nursing and that takes precedence.
My ultimate goal has much less to do with wieght than figure, than shape, than form and function. If I find someone who looks like I want to look like - I'll link to the pic but I really doubt I will. I like my curves - I don't believe in stickthin hollywood beauty - I find it a disgusting thing to see someone's ribs... I like my hips - even if they aren't wide enough for my kids. I like my bust - it's one of my best attributes (even if I do cover it up...). I was once a dancer but I never had the form of a dancer - I am not lithe. I am not willowy or anything resembling that... I am a nonplastic, nonsuctioned, nonairbrushed feminine woman (tomboy internally), who just wants to be normal again - all my pretty curves and all ;)
~S
So - there are only days to go... I have to admit - I am a little scared of the surgery itself but I am SO looking forward to NOT being pregnant! I just can't wait to meet this kid! The nursery should be done this evening - except for the trim (meaning handpainted border of alphabet and stars) - that's just going to have to wait. oh well... it was good in theory.
KidOne is nervous about me going in - he must be. He asked me the other day how I felt when my mom died. Threw me for a terrible loop. He's only five and he's asking me this. I know it's my own danged fault for explaining things to him - but I don't believe in lying to him. We tend to make things scientific and clinical when possible - if only becase he repeats everything to everyone.
I am really looking forward to bringing the baby home - this is one of those things I have wanted for so long. I am so glad that KidOne is not going to be an only child. He needs someone to play with that isn't mommy (not counting school friends).
I have a lot of worries right now though too. With KidOne - I showed no sign of post partum depression - my depression didn't come back until well after that and it was just my normal cycle. But I *know* I'm susceptible to it - given my history of depression. It scares me a little - but only so much. I know I don't have it in me to hurt my kids. Period. So, I guess I'm just worried about feeling that way - like that - so dark. I know how to deal with it but that doesn't mean I look forward to it.
~S