I am a fairly decent mom. I'd even say I'm a good mom. I've been a mom for almost eight years now, amazing as that is. So why is it that my grandmother can't seem to understand that I'm not an idiot? She called me today to make sure I knew all the risks of sparklers and small fireworks and to ensure that there would be no plans incorporating those things for the fourth of July. Personally, I have no problem with some of those little fireworks, if you're responsible enough to handle them. That generally means - to me anyway - not for use by children. But fun for children to watch!
My husband was a Marine. His specialty was demolitions. He happens to LOVE fireworks because it's really the closest he gets to that stuff now. I'm not going to take that from him. He loves to do it. CrazyHorse loves to watch it. I'm not saying that I'm going to hand the kid a sparkler or anything - even though my mom let me do it (and I'm sure she got the EXACT same phone call 20 years ago). That doesn't mean I'm going to let him light the bumblebees or pinwheels or whatever the Hubster happens to bring home (even though my mom let me do it).
I love my boys. I do my damnedest to ensure their safety. I enforce the helmet rule, the seatbelt rule, the booster seat rule. I make sure there are safety plugs in all the sockets, that the cleaners are out of reach, that the alcohol is out of reach, that all OTC and Prescrip medicines are out of reach. I'm not an idiot and I hate being treated like one. I did discover that the fastest way to get my grandmother off the phone is to tell her that I'm not an idiot. Somedays I wonder if she thinks I'd be the worst mother in the world without her constant, daily reminders of what I'm supposed to be doing.
Probably.
But I'm not. And I wouldn't be.
To any mother that happens to pass by - Happy Mother's Day!!!
Today is a sweet day for me, though tinged, on the edges with sadness. I miss my mama but I'm so glad to be mama to my two! I think she would have loved them almost as much as I do.
Spring is nearing and my itch to move is returning. It happens every year. Sometimes I think I could move every year and be happy. Starting fresh again. This of course only means that I have forgotten what a hassel it is to move. The idea is a good one though. This spring I think we'll be doing some redecorating and reorganizing. Just to soothe that need for new and fresh in my system.
I've always been this way I suppose.
I've started painting again. I'm not very good - trust me - but it is a release. A nonwordrelated release. It's tangible where words are not.
~S
No school, no much of anything thanks to snow, freezing rain, and general coldness. We're all going a little bit stir crazy. I think that's to be expected. CrazyHorse wants to run. Mama wants to sleep. Wolverine wants to learn to crawl. Makes for a few interesting days.
On the writing front: things are going great - I'm so close to being done with the rewrites that I can see the end on the horizon and am having to force myself to hold back, not to run full tilt and gloss over all the changes I want to make. All the beauty I want to add to a not so beautiful ending to the story of Ketryl... It has to be *right*. I've started making a list of Publishers/Agents that I want to query... I figure if I start now putting things together, then by the time I get to that point, I'll be ready. I suck at query letters... I believe I've said this before... Can't help it. I have too much to say and I am terrible at tearing my work to shreds to find the one thread that will hold the most appeal for any one reader... If that's my downfall, so be it I suppose. I'll just have to start hitting conferences and do the rounds of pitching that way - when I talk about it, it's different - I can convey my energy, my passion while still giving just the facts maam and I don't feel like I'm a miserable failure at explaining my work when I talk about it.... Wow - my biggest flaws and fears aren't buried all that deep today.
On the publishing front: things are not so great. Got a bunch of rejections, pulled a couple of things after the third queries went unresponded to (it's been a year since the original sub in each case...). On the upside - I have a story in a contest that appears to be doing fairly well - I may even make it to the second round. My first story was not so well received. But, alls fair as they say.
What an interesting week it's turning out to be... Hubby's working Midnights so I'm not going to get as much done as I want. I'm reading a novel for a member of a crit group - a whole novel reading - not a chapter by chapter critfest like I'm used to but a sit down, read it, and tell her what does/doesn't work for me as a whole. I think I like doing this better than the chapbychap work. And hopefully I'll have SA ready for reciprical before too wickedly long.
Enough for today...
Happy Valentines Day!
~Sarah
Strange things afoot
The last few days have been very trying to say the least. Wolverine had a high temp, nasty cough, runny nose, and wicked rash so we took him to the doctor’s - temp is mostly from teeth, cough is from congestion, runny nose is caused by weather, and rash is caused by contact dermatitis - probably his detergent... Seriously? Who the hell is allergic to Dreft?? apparently my son because I brought him home, put on the cream they prescribed, washed a handful of clothes in his bath soap (aveeno) and changed him. His skin cleared up so fast you can barely tell he had any sort of problem.
Just when I get Wolverine put together, I go down for the count - 104 temp and miserable. I’m just getting over it now. Still have some wicked congestion but it’s this damned crazy weather!
Crazy Horse lost his first tooth yesterday!! He woke up at 5 to show us. He’s growing up faster than I want him too. Of course.
I found a friend of mine online that I haven’t talked to in far too many lifetimes and am happy about that. I must be very weird because for me, it’s as if no time at all has passed and I seem to have picked up right where we left off - as if there hasn’t been this five year gap. I’m glad it’s like that. I wouldn’t want it to be otherwise, but it probably is a bit odd.
On the writing front - it’s been going absurdly great. I believe I may have written the best poem I’m ever written (at least since Crow Queen). I’ve actually rewritten quite a few things as well - made them better than they were, chopped poems up for lines and played literary chop shop. I wrote something like 300 poems in high school that suck. But they all have a good line or two, something worth keeping so I’ve been playing while holding Wolverine (who’s being especially clingy). It’s working out really well. I’m going to be starting to submit this poems this month so I guess we’ll just have to wait and see if anyone agrees with me.
Slowly but surely, it’s all coming together...
~Sarah
I read books about those whose lives are fraught with terrible purpose - as I don’t suppose there is any such quest for me. My purpose is to raise two good boys. I will raise my sons to believe in destiny, in magic, in the ultimate triumph of good - even at the brink of darkness when one cannot lift one’s own blade or move ones own feet - there is hope for victory yet. This is my purpose - to raise the next generation of dreamers, of readers, of writers.
Even as I search for my *Great Tale* - my legacy - I watch my children closely. I see the signs there for both of them. I see in CrazyHorse a sharp and keen mind but also the playfulness and whimsy every child should know. Wolverine is not yet old enough to see a spark of his future paths (unless he’s going to be a vampire) but he is beautiful and curious an it will be glorious to see it all unfold before him.
I see such potential in my children that it frightens me though it also fills me with a hope so bright, all shadows grow pale.
So I’m a touch melodramatic. You get my point.
~S
The holidays are over... Everyone has gone back to their homes, my brother will be headed back to school in the next few days. And now, I have to pack up all my christmas decorations (this will take me all of January... really). This has got to be just about the most depressing time for me. I love my christmas decorations.
Wolverine is most decidedly a screamer. Don’t get me wrong, he’s fine - just loudly discovering that he indeed has vocal cords and they need stretching.
CrazyHorse had a great time with his Granddaddy being here - even if he did discover that he can’t get away with everything he wants to -- even if he is a grandson.
I have very high hopes for the year 2007. Just like I do every year but maybe this year will really get things moving for me.
I have to say that - overall - it’s been a great holiday season for me - with some exceptions that frankly - aren’t worth bringing up in a public forum such as this.
Unfortunately, I got absolutely no writing done. Fortunately, I know someone who sold her novel ;) Congrats Sharon!!!
Unfortunately, I’m a bit wired and stressing. Fortunately, life is getting back to normal.
Unfortunately, Wolverine is teething. Fortunately, CrazyHorse has his FIRST loose tooth.
Unfortunately, I have no books in the house I haven’t read. Fortunately, I have discovered some rocking podcasts (pseudopod, escape pod to name two)
Unfortunately, I have three weeks of house work and laundry to do. Fortunately, I have all the time in the world to get it done... (and if you buy that - I have a lovely bridge in New York to sell you)
~Sarah
Had our party at the inlaws tonight... the gift exchange my generation did was pretty good all in all - my hubby and his two brothers, my soon to be sis inlaw and me... I had a blast putting together mine... I got my soontobesisinlaw... she's a coffee drinker. I have an obsession with the Cheshire cat... so, I did a themed basket - The Mad Hatter's UnTea Party... it was a lot of fun and hit the budget right on the line too.... The brother inlaw that drew my name - he may be the only person who realizes what a complete geek I am deep down... He got me a book on the worlds of StarTrek (and I swear I've never even threatened to wear Vulcan ears around him...). and then, to tease my sci-fi junkie side and my affinity for broadshouldered bald men and antiheros --- the chronicles of riddick trilogy.... yummy. Surprises me too as most times I think he's probably the person who knows me the least where really - he knows me much better than most... funny how that works out.
We go to my grandmother's house tomorrow - should be fun. I'm really looking forward to seeing my kidbrother. I don't get to see enough of him. I really don't. I find I miss him a lot - especially around the holidays when I get a bit more - mom-memory-heavy... Our mom was really big into christmas. Really big. the untea party would have been her idea if she were still around. Anyway - I'm really looking forward to it.
My dad and his wife are coming in on the 28th and I'm really looking forward to seeing them too. They came in for Wolverine's birth but I've really gotten used to having them here for New Years.
Hopefully sometime in the next few days I get back here to post... maybe tomorrow night seeing as how Hubby will still be working the midnight shift and wolverine seems to be really worn out by all this christmas stuff.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. ;)
~S
I'm probably not going to be online much over the next few days - so I figured I'd say it now ;)
Also: Discovered that I am allergic to our christmas tree... so we had to take it down. We had a beautiful 8 foot blue spruce, big and fluffy - if a tree can be called fluffy - and now, we have our old artificial tree that just looks so danged scrawny by comparison... I've never quite had a reaction like this one - I can't step near the tree without erupting in hives. I figure that the tree farm where we got the tree sprays their trees with something. Otherwise - I'd react like this all the time! and I don't. Anyway - I'm feeling really guilty about that - we had the perfect tree and I had to take it down - actually hubby did because I had to leave the house so I didn't die.
CrazyHorse doesn't seem to mind - he got to decorate the tree twice and Wolverine, he's too young to care just yet... Next year, we'll get a prettier artificial I guess.
~S
I am allergic to something in my house... it started yesterday - I go into my living room and suddenly I'm covered in red itchy spots. Unfortunately, the ONLY thing I can think of that it could be is the Christmas Tree.... this means of course that I'm just going to have to suffer. It's our first live tree in 5 years and the boys love it. Ok - CrazyHorse loves it and Wolverine isn't scared of it. I'm only just slightly miserable but I'll just have to *deal*. Maybe we'll figure out some other cause for it but I can't think what it would be...
Oh well
~S
It's been a wee little while since I wrote... Crazyhorse is better. Wolverine is generally a good baby - overall anyway. I'm stretched nearly to my limit and feel like I'm faltering. I know that a lot of it is just me - my crazyass hormones and my crazyass brain. It's been a particularly dark month for me - unusually so. It bothers me - feeling like this - useless and helpless and weak. So - I find friends in books and usually this helps. Not so much this time around - at least not yet. So far, reading only serves to remind me that I've not got anything good written yet. not really. It doesn't help that I'm reading things I should have read years ago - many many years ago.
Overall - I have almost everything I ever wanted. I even have a few things I never thought I'd have, never thought I deserved. This of course is a double-edged sword for me as I keep waiting for the day where it all falls apart. I get twentyfour hangups in one day and I start to wonder just who the hell is calling my damned house.... I start to question, to get more suspicious than I should be, than I ought to be. Growing up I always figured I'd end up like my mom - a single mom, alone and very much independant. I'm not any of that and I guess I am left wondering when the rug is going to be pulled out from under me.
In anycase... at least I've written something of my own today - even if it is only a blog. That's all I've got in me to write today.
~S
Every year at about this time, I get really retrospective... funny thing is - it's always about this time of year that somehow or another, I come across people I knew - way back when - people who I counted on, people who made me laugh when it was hardest, and sometimes just people who I knew to pass in the halls, on the street, that for some reason or another, thought to say hello. Maybe we all get this way in the fall. I know why I get this way - it'll be eleven years on the 19th since my mom died. Most of the people I know now, the people I love now, never met her and that makes me more sad than I like to think about.
I'd give nearly anything for my sons and husband to meet her - I think she'd fall in love with my men. They're hard to resist though. I talk about her sometimes with them - so they know where I come from. My six year old has a hard time with it sometimes but, I can't let him think that my grandmother is my mother or that my stepmother is my mother. I have one mom - she doesn't stop being my mom just because she's dead. Nan and Kathy are great for the boys, with the boys, and to the boys but - fact remains neither one is my mom. When the baby gets older, he too will be told - it may cause some confusion but it's better a little confusion in the beginning than a child feeling he's been lied to when he gets older. I know I always hated that. Better to tell them the truth and explain it than lie to avoid tough conversations.
It's funny how life works out - how people find you again after all sorts of time has gone by. Here I am - nearly myself again after seven years of being something else - and I'm finding people left and right - perhaps if only because I'm ready to. It’s something to think about at any rate I suppose...
~S
So - KidOne and KidTwo sounds much too Dr.Seuss... My oldest, I'll call Crazy Horse. He's five and just starting Kindergarten at the end of this month. I'm going to cry but at the same time, I'm thrilled for him. He's going to love school. My youngest, my newborn, I'll call him Wolverine. He's brand new and we have a lot to learn about each other.
~S
Post Partum Depression - My greatest fear - truly. Depression I’m used to - I’ve been dealing with it for years off and on. PPD is much scarier. I can’t imagine ever being so out of control that I could harm my kids. Because of my history, I am vigilant right now about my feelings and my emotions. I do have a touch of the blues right now - but it’s normal I think. My hormones are still completley crazy. I don’t know how long its going to take to balance out. I wish I did. I don’t even know for certain that this isn’t just my usual cycle. I think about this a lot - with all the horror stories I’ve heard - I just can’t imagine anyone letting it slip so far that any harm actually occurs.
Lots of things are bothering me right now. These aren’t necessarily things that don’t normally bother me but maybe it’s exaggerated now. I have a couple of people in my life who now seem to avoid me because I’m a nursing mom. Boobs are fine I guess when they’re attached to naked women in magazines or nearly naked women swinging from poles but put them in context - allow them to fulfill their intended purpose and suddenly its embarrasing?? Please! What a crock! So, I’m a bit upset about that if only because there are only so many people in my life - a very small handful and now I’m two short. It appears that the only people I actually talk to are online. No one to go shopping with - which is why I hate shopping. No one to kibitz on the phone with. No one to chat over coffee with.
And, if I talk to Rob about it - it seems that it would all be fixed if I just ‘made the effort’ which is also a crock but a crock of a different color and for a different night...
So - I use this space to vent some and I can keep track of everything this way...
~S