I come by this push to return to my roots quite honestly. Apart from ancestry which is so minimal it wouldn't qualify me for school loans - even if I could document it - but the native american way of life has always rung true for me. Black Elk's philosophies, the guy who wrote Indian Givers and the one who's title I cannot remember at the moment - always struck a chord in my soul. Apart from that though, there was the year my Mom got to live her dream (now my dream too really). We had a farm house on about ten acres. No stream but lots of woods. We raised pigs and chickens and rabbits and ducks. I was 8 and my brother was just 1. barely. It was great fun. Except for plucking chickens - i hated that part. But really - of all the places I've lived - that was my favorite of them all. If I'd been older - enough to really help - maybe we wouldn't have had to leave our farm. I liked it there - a lot but there's only so much one woman can do when her husband won't help. That's where I lucked out - my Hubster rocks. He's with me all the way without question. My mom would have loved him. And this makes me quite happy. I think I have some pictures somewhere of our run-down little farm - I may have to go searching. See if I can't put an image on my dream here. Because I would love nothing more in the world than to go back to that simple way of life. We even had fresh milk delivered when we lived there (Mom hadn't gotten far enough into the process for cows but she would have eventually if we'd been able to stay). I remember her making butter and her attempt at cheese (not so good the first time around). This is what I want for me, for my kids, a simple and maybe oldfashioned way of life. One that doesn't take more than it gives. One that focuses on the good we can do, the fruit that comes from our own labor. That praises and rewards hard work in a way so little does now. I think I was born in the wrong century - by a long ways. Granted - I like my indoor plumbing a lot - but otherwise... so the wrong century!
I don't usually rant about the Hubster. He's pretty good overall. He could use a good slug with the romance stick but overall, he's pretty good... I said that already. He puts up with a lot from me - the fact that i don't like leaving the house. The fact that I am a horrible housekeeper. The fact that I'm fairly neurotic about certain things. He puts up with me. But. (you knew there would be a but here) I should not have to beg for time to get my work done. I should be given without argument at least one hour a week (that is not nap time) to my damned self to do with as I please. It should not be a battle. He is the one with a steady job - a good one with benefits and everything. I'm not knocking that. But, at the same time, I'm trying really hard to make a go of this writing thing. I work for Lilley Press too. And yet, I have no time. The kids - if I want time away from the kids, I have to rely on my inlaws. That sucks. I love my kids but, 24/7 is a lot to ask and I never get a break. He does what he wants, when he wants, and with whom he wants. He golfs, goes to the bar, shoots pool, plays paintball, goes fishing. all without the kids, with his buddies, and I am lucky if I can beg him for one hour every month to myself. To do what I want. And that is not how it should be. For all his good qualities, and there are many, he doesn't get it. He doesn't get any of it. He's the one working so he should get to go play and - within reason - he should (and does). But damn!
This summer, I need to make some changes. Big ones, little ones, all sorts of changes. The Hubster and I are going to endevour to get a bit healthier than we are, I'd really like to fit in the clothes I was wearing before I got pregnant with Wolverine. (It would be too much and too painful to attempt the dress size I was before CrazyHorse!) I'm not sure yet how we're going to manage it but we'll figure it out. I need to find a way to structure my time better. I don't seem to be getting anything done at the moment and that is irritating as all get out. But, I suppose I'll eventually figure it out.
Last night was really rough for some reason. Wolverine was up at one and didn't go back to sleep, even though he was extremely tired, until somewhere around 3:30. In the midst of his fussies, the puppy decided to join in so 2:30 am, I'm standing in the middle of the yard with the obnoxious one trying to keep him from barking at the deer who have taken to sleeping in our neighbor's yard. Such fun. Then I had to get up to get CrazyHorse ready for school. So I'm running on empty today.
CrazyHorse's annual school bookfair is coming up next week and I'm plotting the letter to send with him. Last time he went to a bookfair the people working it wouldn't let him get books based on his reading level instead of his grade level and he ended up bringing home no books at all. This year, I'm not going to allow that. And if they DO push him back over to the 1st grade section this year, I'll call someone. I didn't last year as it's just a bunch of PTA volunteers who don't know any better but still. Telling a kid who reads at a 5th grade level that he can only get books from the 1st grade section is stupid...
Hubster is working afternoons this week - which is sort of nice and sort of not. I've gotten used to him being on daylight and now my schedule is going to go *poof*. Oh well. Worse things could happen.
I turn 29 on Sunday. This is very strange. I really don't feel anywhere near 29. Somedays I feel ancient and others I feel like a teenager. Never in the middle where I actually am. Funny how that works.
Hubs got me a membership to our local gym but I still haven't been able to go yet. I'm looking forward to it. I figure, if I find a way to go twice a week (or three times if I'm lucky), then I don't have to change the way I eat much to really get back to the shape I want. I'm looking forward to that but not obsessively so.
All the non-writing related news for the day...
We were all sick - nasty sick - for about a week. Wolverine seemed to get the worst of it, lingered much too long for such a little guy. We're already concerned that he's not gaining enough weight... but, thankfully everything seems to be back to normal. CrazyHorse is gaining an attitude problem that is driving me absolutely bats. All I want is for him to listen to me and to understand that not every thought he has in his head needs to come out of his mouth....
I know I was probably just as bad, once upon a time.
And I think I'm glad of it. Not that I don't enjoy the holidays but it gets to be a bit overwhelming. I've had two solid weeks now of people and travel and being a hostess and all that. I'm beyond ready for it all to be done.
The kids had a great time - but that's sort of the point. Wolverine hasn't picked a favorite toy yet this year but CrazyHorse has. Two of them. One is a xylaphone unlike any other I've seen - made of windchime pipes. It's got a great sound - I understand why he likes it. The other is a nintendo ds. Still haven't decided yet what *I* think of that one. But - what's done is done.
Glad to be home, glad to have my house back to myself, glad the holidays are over....
~S
What is so wrong with wanting to have one holiday that isn't all about hurrying up to get the kids somewhere else? Why is it a fight when I say I want to have christmas in my own home for once? I don't think my compromise was an unreasonable one - that I would host christmas for my mother's side of the family this year. But no. Now I'm made to feel like the Grinch for trying to let the kids spend as much time with hubster as possible - he has to work on Christmas. And my grandmother, though I love her to pieces, is being very childish about it. So - we'll do it her way for one more year but next year - It's my house or it isn't anything. I'm sick of playing hurry up and go and not being able to enjoy any part of it. I like my home. I like being home. I have not yet had a single holiday in my own home. And that just sucks. There are some things I'd like to do - some traditions I'd like to start with my boys but I can't because we always have to go somewhere else. And I'm tired of the guilt trips just because I want what my mom had.
~S
It is not advisable to have a six week old puppy and a 13 month old baby at the same time. Trust me on this. Especially when both of them are newly weened. I'm tired and cranky but CrazyHorse is mostly happy with his birthday present.
He's a little afraid of the teeth but we've made great strides on that and hopefully, in a few months when he starts to settle down a little, all will be fantastic.
~S
This last year has been crazy. That's why it's been so long. There's a lot going on right now, not the least of which being CrazyHorse turning seven. His birthday party is today. Not so sure I want to be chasing a bunch of little kids around but he's going to love it.
We're having some issues with his school at the moment. He's in first grade. My problem is this: He is bored. He is so bored he's decided that school work is unimportant. Could this be because he isn't learning a thing right now??
If it wasn't for the fact that he *needs* to be around kids his own age, I'd home school him. But, he does and I am rather a homebody. If I never left my house at all, I'd be ok with that.
I'll come back soon and post more about everything. Play a little catch up.
~Sarah
Haven’t gotten as much done lately as I wanted to - Wolverine is cutting his first tooth and CrazyHorse has his first loose tooth. The weather has been crappy. CrazyHOrse stayed home from school friday with a temperature. Teething babies are generally fussy... It’s been *that* kind of a week. I know my boys are starting to think I’m looney. Hopefully things will settle down soon.
Sometime this week, I’m going to get my hair done. Even with things being tight, Hubby set aside the money for me to get my hair done... I just love him. I go through this every couple of years - I just need a change - a big whopping drastic one at that. This time, I’m going with a pixie cut - supershort. Sometimes that’s all it takes to jolt me back into the *Zone* for my writing.
I had a couple of doctors appointments lately - overall I’m in great shape considering. Considering I’m five and a half months out from having a baby. Considering I haven’t been to a non-maternity related doctor in ten years (or dentist for that matter). Considering that overall - I don’t pay attention to *my* health - I’m in great shape. I have four wisdom teeth that NEED to come out as soon as I’m done nursing. I NEED to get my baseline mamogram done as soon as I’m done nursing (breast cancer runs young in my family). I should look into getting into better shape - as I can since I’m nursing... My cholesterol is good, I have no bad teeth (except the wisdom teeth which need to come out anyway), I’m well within normal range of weight, and the only lumps in my breasts are clogged milkducts...
This is all good news.
Wolverine goes in for his sixmonth on Feb. 9. CrazyHorse goes to the dentist on Feb. 2. One gets shots, the other gets fillings... I’m not looking forward to either.
~S
SO - there are going to be some changes to *this* blog once the baby gets here and I'm up and running... this one is going tobe my "mom" blog - for all things child and weightloss related. I've got nearly 100 pounds to lose and I need a nice place tokeep myself honest...
~S
On the Baby:
Had my dr's appt a few days ago - lost 4 lbs of water weight - which is good but so not good enough. I still have 11 days or so to go before the c/s... And I can't seem to stop eating. So - 75 lbs gained will probably be more than that before the end... yuck. But - that's ok. Baby is healthy - going to big like his brother was. I have an ultrasound and a dr's appointment scheduled for the 3rd - to get a morre accurate weight on the baby. hubby was a big baby. D was a big baby. this one is going to be a big baby. I was tiny. It's all his fault.... I also have a bit of carpal tunnel syndrome and now am wearing braces.. but - it's supposed to go away when I'm not pregnant anymore. But - if I don't post much until after the baby - that's why...
~S
I'm getting antsy... every day more so. I have packed for myself for the hospital but not yet for the baby. Soon though. Very soon. I'm also starting to get nervous about the surgery. I admit it - I'm a pansy when it comes to hospitals (bad things happen in hospitals). I don't want to freak out when the time comes but at the same time - I can feel the urge already to do just that.
My Dr’s appointment went great... no longer looking at the scales of course... My son was an absolute riot. He has the whole staff there in stitches every time we go... Forgive me if this is TMI but it’s funny... We get there and I do what I’m supposed to do so they can check all my levels of whatever - protein etc... my son is following the nurse - wanting to know everything about everything (he’s five). He wants to help her check the levels. She explains to him that he really can’t do that. He decides he’ll live with that but he wants to know all about the results - specifically, if she was able to test my calcium. This sends everyone into giggles - mostly because he’s five and asking if the tester strips can measure calcium.
As far as writing goes - I’ve not been doing a whole lot of it. Certainly not as much as I should be. Certainly not as much as I *want* to be. I’ve a stack of poems getting ready for the final revisions before I send them out. I’ve got two stories that need a good polishing - one a complete rewrite but I know *how* I want to do it, I just have to get the energy and drive to *do* it....
Nothing new on SA just because I hit a place where I’m stuck... I’ll get it - just not today.
~S
So - I am indeed having a boy. This means several things... 1 - my MIL nightmare will not get the chance to come true. 2 - I will never have to lament the demise of the chastity belt. 3. - Life is going to be fun... boys are easy and full of energy and can ALWAYS be depended on to do exactly what they're not supposed to do about 15% of the time ;)
It's going to be an adventure.
My MIL is gravely disappointed. She must have asked 30 times in the small span of 10 minutes if the technician was really sure. Positive. Certain. could she have been completely wrong somehow? No. There is no way - we have a very visable, evident, prominent even - turtle. I can understand some private disappointment - she really wants a girl in the family. So do I but that doesn't change the fact that this baby is mine - he's what I've been given and I've seen his little face and felt him move and love him with all my heart - my disappointment lies solely in my neverwills and I can live without all of those... You would think that instead of being so openly disappointed that it makes me wonder if she's going to be able to love this child at all - she would keep at least some of it to herself. I once heard her tell my husband that *he* was supposed to be her girl. the tone wasn't playful but rather blaming when she said it. She ever says something like that to one of my boys and she won't see my boys again. Period.
I'm waiting now for her to ask me if I really MUST go ahead with the tubal ligation. Couldn't I have just one more? Couldn't I take my life in my hands again after all the complications we've had this time and last - and try one more time for a girl? She's got two other boys she can start bugging for girls now - she gets to leave me alone.
~S
So - last night we had an impromptu date night ;) I actually got to see a grown up movie! Bear in mind please I am a bit of a nerd,geek, freak as the term applies - I love sci/fi and fantasy. I love comic books in general. So, as much as I'd love to see The Omen (though perhaps better seen when I'm not pregnant), we went to see X-Men 3... My issues with the movie not withstanding and not getting into, I enjoyed the movie. There were 12 people total in the theater... Me, Rob, some quiet nerd/geek like me in the front, and a group of 2 girls and 4 boys who came in on time and a group of 3 girls who came in late. Through the previews - I don't mind the talking and the giggling... I expect it. I do not however expect to listen to giggling girls, snapping gum, the flicking on and off of flashlights, and nearly obsessive talking - INTO the damned movie.
I know what's wrong with kids now... their parents never teach them anything about respect - self respect or otherwise. that's why we've got 14 yearolds having babies because they don't respect themselves enough to say - NO. That's why we've got a generation of children who expect the world to bow at their feet and gimme gimme gimme.
I get to go to the movies MAYBE 2 times a year to see a NONkid movie. That's part of being a parent - date nights are few and far between and there are other things besides movies that we like to do. (In our house when I'm not knocked up, we have adult time on sundays when we play paintball). Anyway - so it's rare for me to see a movie in the theater. I am not about to put up with that crap when I'm trying to watch my alltime favorite superhero EVER (don't really know why... but he is) try and save the world. No teenage girl, however obnoxious or self-absorbed, has the right to get between me and my enjoyment of Wolverine... So - I complained. What choice did they give me? I'd already gave them the evil eye once or twice and it did nothing and, not wanting to cause issues vocally - I went to the people outside... And I got to enjoy the rest of my movie.
I did have some issues with the movie but I'm not getting into that now or here... and I'm done ranting now... I think
I did however have a great brainstorm while watching the movie... MAYBE, if the baby is a boy, he'll find himself named Logan ;)
~S
So, last night I did what I've been putting off for the last two weeks - I sent my resignation to Lily... It's not fair to Lily or to Susan or to the rest of the Assistant Editors for me to continue when my priorities are not with Lily. With the baby coming and with my renewed focus on my own work, time is simply too limited to be so free with. I had to make some decisions. When it came down to it, it was a choice between Lily or the IW and my own writing. I had to chose my writing. The IW may yet fall to the wayside though I am trying very hard not to let that happen. I can only hope I succeed.
My great and heartfelt thanks go out to Susan, Editor of Lily, for giving me the opportunity she did. It's been a wonderful experience and I've learned a lot from it.
~S
So - had another dr's appointment - one which went MUCH better than the last one. Everything looks good so far and my dr should be back from Maternity leave soon - most assuredly before surgery. I admit - I'm getting antsy... only roughly 9 weeks to go and I feel like I've gotten nothing done yet for the baby. We're going on the 15th to a private facility for one last attempt at discerning the gender of my little tadpole... My first, he did not move like this. When he kicked, it was painful - a sharp kick to the ribs, bladder socker, and the like. This one - s/he just rolls around. Doesn't really "kick" really just rolls. It's crazy. My belly honestly looks like a waterbed that someone just got up off of. I'm enjoying this pregnancy as much as possible... I'm going to miss it. I really am. But - I just can't see taking the risk of having one more - even if I'd really love to. Of course, I think I'd spend my whole life pregnant if I could - as much as I complain, as much as I whine, there is such a sense of well-being that comes with pregnancy. I'm probably healthier now than I have been since I was 13 years old. How crazy is that... I'm hoping to keep it that way too.
~S
When my mom felt ignored, she used to say: "So what am I, chopped liver?" I always assumed this was a normal phrasing... I always assumed other people's mothers said it too. I now know that I'm a bit wrong on that front. but, I discovered yesterday just how ingrained the phrase is in my own mothering.
Sitting down to lunch, we went to my grandparents' house for Mother's Day, and my son decided he wanted to sit next to Nan instead of me - no biggie I assure you. As I was moving the plates and glasses around he says to me this: "But don't worry Mom, you're not chopped liver." I about died laughing! Nan and Pap joined in and I don't think my little guy understood what was so funny ;)
Just had to share...
~S
Talked to dr's office today - have mostly great news. Glucola screening came back within the normal range - excellent news. Placenta did in fact move UP - meaning, no previa and no danger of spontaneous hemorage due to placement of said placenta ;) Very good news for me and for the baby. No determination of gender has been made - so, this one will be a surprize and we'll probably do the nursery in Beatrix Potter theme... Only iffy news is that my iron is too low so I'm being placed on a supplement for my iron - hunky dory by me don't ya know. so long as I remember to take it - I'm all set. I'm sure I'll have help in that department. But anyway - that means that I can get back to normal life - except for the sitting at the computer - I need a new chair that leans a bit if I want to seriously get back to work - but - at least I'm headed in the right direction.
Just wanted to update any curious passerby....
~S
Doctor's Appointment is over and done with and still, I know nothing... even things I thought I knew I don't know. Yesterday was a LONG day. First: Rob couldn't come with me because the only guy he could have traded shifts with wouldn't even call him back to say - no can do - he just avoided him. Part of me hopes he needs to change shifts sometime soon.... So - this was my first dr's appointment without him. I went to the hospital early, figuring I'd have to do the paperwork again - which I didn't have to do - and so wound up sitting in the waiting room. Alone. Anyone who's had a sonogram can tell you they have you drink oodles of water and won't let you use the restroom so sitting in the waiting room for an extra 45 mnutes is absolute torture... But - there was an emergency so what could they do? no biggie. I liked my sonogram technician. She was nice. We chatted - I'm a nervous talker... And the results - with a full bladder, the sonogram showed that my placenta moved lower - meaning I'm in worse shape than I was. with an empty bladder (a girl can only hold it so long), the sonogram showed that my placenta moved up as it should have. So - I know nothing until Friday - the head of radiology has to look it all over. I may not know anything then as I'll probably have to do another sonogram - this time the infernal internal one - yuck. Also in the sonogram room --- we did a double check on the gender - previous sonogram had speculated boy - this time the tech could find no evidence of it being a boy - meaning - no sign of a penis. There are two possibilities here - a. the little thingy is shy and hiding or b. the umbilical cord caught the sonogram just right last time. So - we aren't actually going to know what we're having until s/he comes out. Fortunately - I have names for both. The only thing difficult will be decorating... I've got to do something neutral now. After twwo technicians poked and proded and bruised me for an hour - I headed over to the dr's office - though neither my dr or nurse were there - wasn't expecting my doc but my nurse (who is fabulous) had a death in the family. Drank the super-sugar-soda drink which is not nearly as bad as people say. Then talked to a different doc about my weight gain - too much too fast, just like with my son... not a good sign. I had a 12 pound jump this month and that's not only not good but could be a sign of future issues. It's really simply that I'm always hungry. Which has nothing to do with being pregnant. I'm always always hungry - it's just that I indulge myself when I'm pregnant. No more. Too bad, so sad. Then had to sit in the waiting room for an hour or so, got my blood drawn, chatted with the nurse for a while and left for home. Starving because I had to skip lunch for the glucola test. So I stopped by my inlaws on the way to get my son from school and stole a bananna... needed something. D and Rob both seem to be OK with the fact that the baby may not be a boy... Me - I just want healthy. Sure - I'd love to have a little girl but honestly - boys are so easy! Rob actually wants a little girl just so he can play big mean daddy when it's time for her to start dating. He's weird... not really but still. So - I still know nothing. May not know anything for a while yet. Only a few things are certain.... I am in fact pregnant. The baby is very active. I'm carrying too low. The baby is overall healthy - the measurements, developement - all that they can tell is perfect.
So - enough of that... I know nothing now - but, I think I'm ok with that. For now.
~S
So, 27 is not so different than 26 - at least on the first day. Except, this year I'm fatter ;) I suppose in my position that's a good thing - you're supposed to be fat when halfway through your pregnancy. Usually, I detest my birthday - just a day that reminds me too much of my mother - who's been coming up in conversations a lot lately. I don't know, maybe that's changing a bit cause of my kids. The one already here and the one on the way... If not for my birthday, they would not have birthdays - how can I hate a day that holds that much importance? I can't imagine the world without my kids - even the one who's not quite here yet. Maybe that makes me strange but, from the moment the double lines confirmed my pregnancies - they were real to me, wanted, loved - filling me with the kind of hope and wonder that I never thought I'd experience. And I can't begin to describe the moment I first felt each of them move - that first tiny flutter - the beating of tiny wings on the inside of my belly. A voiceless maestro conducting a masterpiece from within me. There has been nothing else in life I've ever experienced that feels like that - that holds that kind of weight. If not for my medical issues, the complications I've had, am having, could possibly have in the future, I think I would spend my whole life pregnant - I love it, even as much as I bitch about it. But, fact is, I'll count myself extremely lucky to have two healthy children - fingers crossed, prayers said, chants whispered, saints consulted... When I go in for this c-section, I'm getting snipped in the process. Maybe that makes this pregnancy all the more full of wonder for me, I'm enjoying it as much as I can, taking note of every change, every flutter, every bit of beauty and joy because this one will be the last one for me. Because I'm not so sure that my body can handle a third - even as much as I want it. I'll have two kids to think about - and I know what its like to lose a mom - I have no right to put myself in a position to do the same to them - at least, not on purpose. I started off venting about my birthday and wound up on kids... shows where my priorities are doesn't it? I'm hoping to get a few pics up sometime soon - of me fat and preggers... I'll only look like this for a little wee while longer so, I may as well take advantage of it. I've a great excuse not to be tiny and skinny.. ;)
~S
Had our dr's appointment yesterday... overall - we're ok but, there may be a complication or two... Currently, he's too low, I have what's called a low-lying placenta - the 'best' form of placenta previa with a 90%chance that he'll shift upward and there will be no problems. So, I'm taking it easy for a month or so, we go back to the dr's on may 2nd for another ultrasound to check his position then. So - if you happen to think about it, say a little prayer for us. In all likelyhood, there will be nothing wrong in the end, the chances of this getting worse - very slim to none, the chances of this fixing itself - excellent but, the fact that there is this *something* is freaking me out a little bit. Makes me miss my mom even more - so much that I dreamed about her last night. It was almost too real - asking her questions that I always wanted to ask and all that. I'm glad that I had that dream though, it made me feel better.
But - that's it for now... hopefully I'll have great news in May.
~S
The end of the year is hurrying to get here. It seems that years are getting shorter now. I hope this trend does not continue. I would like to enjoy the years I have before my son grows up and finds a life of his own. Soon, I will be posting my 2005 year in review and my goals for 2006. This will be the first year I share them - perhaps cementing them this way will help me strive to accomplish them even more so than I do elsewise. I will also be posting the Imaginary Word early this month as we had so many problems in November. I am considering changing the release date anyway. I generally have it done by the tenth of the month in any case.
~S
First things first - I am getting sick and tired of spammers using my comments to place their loan ads -- how do I get them to stop? seriously?? Do they even bother reading what they're commenting to?
Today has been one of *those* days again. I haven't figured out yet if I'm just an uberpessimist or if I really see the world more dark than light or what. I *know* there are great things happening in my life - both personally and professionally but for some reason, only the darkness catches my focus. It's like the good things happen for only a moment but the bad things linger. I have a beautiful son who is really a very good kid - smart, attentive, kindhearted - all the things a mom wants her son to be and I find myself sad because I can't seem to have another one. I've gotten a fair number of acceptances this year but the rejections have been far more numerous - never mind that quite a number of them came back with some very contructive comments and even a few compliments. I even got my very first fan letter this year. So why do I feel like I'm failing at this... this writing thing? I'm used to feeling like a failure in my normal life - it's been part of my life forever and I am accustomed to ignoring that feeling. I've even adjusted to feeling like a failure as a mother - again - I've learned to ignore it - simply because I know I am not. My baby is doing pretty well so I must be too. Feeling like a failure in the rest of my life - that's new but I know that it too is wrong. My draft work might suck (and it does, believe me) but when the polish and shine is done - I do decent work (even if occasionally upside down). I do know this. Really. I suppose overall, I'm just a bit screwed up...
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope you all eat well and have fun. I am headed for my grandmother's provided the weather doesn't truly hate me - which is looking possible...
For me - thanksgiving is great but it's the day after thanksgiving that gets my blood pumping. No. I don't go shopping. I wouldn't want to be around that many people if you paid me! The day after Thanksgiving, I get to pull out the boxes - all 36 of them (truly not an exaggeration) and begin the task of decorating for the holidays. Most of my decorations have been passed down - most of them I grew up with as they were my mothers. The big exception are my dishes - my beautiful christmas dishes - all decorated with scenes from "T'was the Night Before Christmas" and I love them. They are the first (and still only) dishes that are just mine - not my mother's first - all my other dishes were hers first. I love the holidays - so many memories for me and it's the only time of year where they are almost all good memories. I love this time of year! I must continue the preparation for Friday now... I've got my 'everyday' decorations to take down and store so that I'll have a blank slate on which to settle in every santa, snowman, reindeer, and tree... yay winter.
~S
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!
One of my favorite holidays!
So - have fun, dress up, pass out candy, eat the leftover candy...... schedule dentist appointment for next week...
~S
Today is a strange day. It's been ten years today since my mother died. I suppose I expected that the day would lose it's power some after ten years. It has not. The first year, I was too numb to feel anything - just wanted somebody to hold me, make me feel like I was alive. The second year, my first year away from what was left of 'home', I was alone and miserable and locked in my dorm room until friends decided that it was time for me not to be alone. That was good. The third year, my first year with Rob, I was not alone at all - but still miserable. The fourth year I don't remember much about, it was a day spent huddled in my bed watching sappy movies. The fifth year, my son was not yet a month old. It struck hard then - she was gone, it had been five whole years and she was missing everything - her daughter's marriage, her first grandchild - everything. The years after that are a blur. My son never let me get too low, always there with a ready smile and a book for me to read. Now, he is five, hitting that stage where he is too big to be held, especially by mama. And again, I keep seeing how much she is missing. It's worse now because I feel like I'm forgetting her. I've never let the scab heal because if it scarred over, I might forget. I don't ever want to forget. She was my only friend for so long, my only support. I didn't learn to stand until she was gone. We held each other up and then, suddenly, I was a chair with only two legs.
~S
So, I seem to be having a 'go eat worms' kind of day... if you don't get the reference - you had a very deprived childhood devoid of all sorts of really dumb songs... Fortunately, I at least make myself laugh. Tomorrow, I'll put together the new edition of The Imaginary Word, something I love doing. Tonight I am throwing myself a bit of a pity party for no reason but that I feel like it. October tends to bring these sorts of shifts with it, has for the last ten years. It just happens that today, I am feeling more down than usual - like no one hears me - or cares what I have to say. Ideas that get shot down, comments made that go unnoticed, phone calls left unreturned... It only serves as a reminder to me of all the people I've lost to time, distance, or death. And that's not to count those I lost just because I could not find a balance between life and myself for several years. October is just like this. Up and down, beautiful and horrible. Sort of like when I dream of dragons - I love them and fear them, even in my dreams.
~S
At the petstore. We went to pick up crickets and pinkies - for the geckos, skinks, snake, and new praying mantis we caught - and somehow I found myself a job baking a birthday cake for the owner's dog. Not too bad. Strange but not bad at all. I'll have to find a couple of recipes but I can't see that it'll be a problem. Of course, me being me, my mind started racing and now I'm wondering just how viable it would be to start up a little made to order cake baking service for pets. I was never one to do something only part way - always with the big goals. Always, in the end, falling short. hm. Probably won't do anything more than bake this cake but the idea will stew in my head awhile. One never knows when something like that will come in handy.
~S
This past week has been more hectic than usual. My son's school's open house, my husband's best friend's wedding, and a few ideas that won't leave me alone. That's not to mention the virus on my computer that caused me a great many problems and five hours on the phone to various help centers. Fortunately, they were all 24 hour toll free lines and at 1 am, there's no wait. It's just been one of those weeks.
I would like to know - if anyone reads this and cares to answer please do - why must anyone decry an entire genre of fiction? I've read several bits over the last few weeks - forums, articles, reviews, the like - that absolutely bash science fiction and fantasy. Why? What is the point? There are some real nonsense books in the mainstream genres too, books that are so bad that even I - collector of all books - would get rid of them. What makes the speculative fiction genres the collective punching bag? Most, if not all, of my favorite stories (especially as a child) were fantasy or science fiction. Am I just odd, to read it all? A few of these instances have really ticked me off - obviously or I wouldn't be ranting about them would I? How can someone complain that there is too much science fiction infesting the internet? Not too long ago - the internet WAS science fiction. How many advances have stemmed from the minds of science fiction writers? I came across this site: http://www.technovelgy.com/ take a look and tell me then that science fiction is nonsense. How many of these things would not have been attempted if the imagination of some writer somewhere hadn't planted the seed of possibility?
OK - done with that. If I don't stop, I'll get even more annoyed and I would really rather get back to work on one of the four short stories I have sitting, ready to be typed up.
~S
As much as I've been trying to avoid it, the year has turned the corner to fall and entered October. There was a time when October was my favorite month of the year. For the most part it still is - if I could remove just one day from October. My mom died on the 19th ten years ago this year - which of course is why I've been ruminating over it so much. The big anniversaries hit me the hardest. Fall air has always smelled the best - hints of greenwood smoke laced with burning lichen from bonfires and campfires, the crisp edge of not-so-green foliage, the chill that makes it feel clean. No humidity to weigh it down, no snow to chase me indoors, and, of course, it is the month of magic. This is the month where anything can be real - if you believe it hard enough. I love that. This month - this year - I may sink down in my little hidey hole for a few days but I am not going to let this month pass me by without a little magic for me. I say it every year but, this year, it's going to be different for me. Perhaps I'll dig out my broom and try to fly.
~S
My baby is five years old today and I can't understand how time went by so quickly. I hope the next five years don't fly as fast. I want so much to be a mom he can be proud of - I think that's normal. I find myself thinking back to the day he was born, how scared I was, and I think that, so far, we've made it through ok. I hope I can say that five years from now.
~S
This is a new venture for me... Thanks to Domy ;) I think it could be quite an interesting thing, to see what nonsense pops out of my head when I allow myself to simply write. I suppose I should introduce myself: My name is Sarah Wagner. I go by Shade53 just about everywhere I go online. I am an assistant editor at Lily. I also run a monthly suggested reading list, The Imaginary Word.
In my offline life, I am a work from home mom of one boy and the wife of my favorite husband. In my daydreams - I am a writer. I've been published some now, both online and in print. One of the things I intend to do is keep track of my progress with that here.
Over time, the look to this little place, this doorway to my mind (enter at your own risk), will change. I am a novice, a newbie, and a complete ninny when it comes to the technology of the day - past templates and email and word processer programs ;) . Bear that in mind and be patient with me. I am learning.
~S